second of all, it's extremely cliche, and the rhyming sounds forced. (especially the lines: Let me take you out every night And you will be the best sight
Nothing can compare Because I love you I swear)
(the first two lines don't sound that forced, but they still kind of are)
secondly, the style you wrote the poem in. that style was used by every single person who had an english assignment. you should try finding your own voice. a voice that wasn't worn by every person. (pardon my language, but that's like wearing a used condom) it just won't work.
thirdly, your poem does not show, it tells. i can read that poem and have a totally blank face. explain: what is love? what is making someone smile? what is a best sight?
the thing that makes me dislike this poem is how worn out the subject matter and style are. the sentence structure is boring, and it brings nothing new to the table. it's like, a clone of every other cliche, teenage love poem ever.
what i'm trying to say is: throw away that used condom, and find YOUR voice. find YOUR style. don't only write about what everyone already knows. describe it as something new. (hell, i wrote a poem about a splinter!) write about a button, write about a page of a book, and sure, write about love if you like, but don't make it so "been there done that." and finally: DO NOT FORCE RHYME! (try writing free verse, then, you can play around with structures and sentences and not have to rhyme dog and log) i hope i don't come off as too harsh, but you know some people just need that push. good luck, man!
Hey, sorry I am just replying to you but I was not really sure how to reply at the time. I was very new to poetry so forgive my error. I stupidly thought that a concrete poem was one that had a concrete style through the whole poem. This poem was a bit lame but I really had no idea that it would blow up as much as it did. I have other poems and they are thoughtful and meaningful to me. I never really posted much after all of this because I felt like no one really like the thoughtful stuff because everyone was loving the Hallmark card poems. I did write them and I did mean them but they were just fun poems when I had time to kill. I never really wanted to get this much attention because I knew my stuff was not that great or even good. I got a lot of crap about my little poems. I did take your advise maybe not right way but I did.
ok so you know what makes a good poem, congratulations. But he still got 1027 likes and showed up on the front page. I know you are trying to help him become a better writer, but I doubt OVER half of the people care about the structure or the forcing of rhyme. He made a short sweet love poem that rhymed and people just eat that up, no matter how cliche or over done it is. Just sayin.
ok, but if he is going to take poetry seriously he should at least consider what i said. also how many favorites he got doesn't make the poem any better. just because a ton of people like nicki minaj doesn't make her beethoven. (obviously she's not trying to be, but that doesn't make her music any better)
one could write this type of thing in thirty seconds, and not all of it gets this much attention. (there are like millions of these types of poems on dA) it's not because of how "amazing" the poem is, it's just luck, and the fact that he posted it in every literature group that ever existed.
if of course, he is only doing this for the favorites, then well, that just disgraces the name of poetry.
also just so that i don't get mixed up i need to ask you: do you view as my criticism as invalid? because that is the vibe your reply gave.
I view your criticism as invalid. You should mind your own damn business. All art is a way to express yourself. Maybe this person can't tell the difference between concrete poetry and free verse, so what? No one cares about that, it a good poem, end of story. And that condom reference is just sick and gross. I say inappropriate things all the time and that made me sick.
And my poems probably sound like a lot of other teen poems, it doesn't make them less original.
the guy posted his poem on a public website. that means i have a right to criticize it. also if you are a "poet" that can't tell the difference between concrete poetry and free verse, then you shouldn't call yourself a poet. also whether or not it's a good poem is a matter of opinion, and i have a right to share mine. that doesn't make it invalid.
also you claim to say "inappropriate" things all the time and the condom reference made you sick? are you serious? (welcome to the internet, by the way)
also i just read a few of your poems... yeah they are pretty unoriginal. that's pretty much what it means to be unoriginal. to sound like everyone else.
Art is a way to express yourself. You don't have to know anything.
As for the inappropriate stuff, I'm the queen of that shit. But comparing poetry to condoms is just not right.
Unoriginal means to do what everyone else does. Those poems were 100% me, I poured my heart and soul into them. They are original, because I'm not like everyone else. I am my own person and I don't give a shit about everyone else.
also i was just trying to help the guy improve, (because that's what artists strive towards) and here you go making it sound like i declared war on him. criticism =/= hate. i wish the best for him, and hope he improves, that is all. i worded it harshly so as to get my point across. i thought i cleared that all up in the first comment i posted.
well no fucking shit. that doesn't mean that all art is good.
you are the queen of that shit but you can't take a little condom comparison? riiiigggghhht.
yeah and writing poems in such a cliched and worn out style makes them unoriginal. just because you came up with them doesn't make them original. unoriginal just means making art that is pretty much a clone of every single cliche thing ever written in your own words, and then plastering on the "these are my feelings u juss dunn understand" on them so people feel sorry for you and completely ignore the fact of how badly it's written.
And I'm not kidding about being the queen of that shit. I don't remember that last time had a conversation that was appropriate. Me and my friend are always saying shit. What can I say, I'm a horny person.
And how is it my fault other people have the same feelings? To write well, you have write about things that people can relate to. Structure and rhythm doesn't make a poem good, it makes it boring, ordinary, uninteresting, a bunch of fancy words that no one gives a damn about.
The poem to me didn't come off as cute so I didn't follow that logic. Now I am not condemning you for using this logic. Cute can be good, but just remember don't just look for what might be cute. Deep and thoughtful titles are good too. Also ignore all these people who are hating on you because you put up poetry on DA. Writing is an art form too.
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Usaru-SanFeatured By OwnerJul 10, 2012Student General Artist
I thought the same too, but there are people that really care about you. You have to look far and sometimes test them, well at least I do because I feel everyone who wants to be my friend/girlfriend has hidden motives, but my guy friend J., he pursued me and I really care about him. We both have feelings for each other now.
Usaru-SanFeatured By OwnerJul 10, 2012Student General Artist
Yeah, you're going to have weed out the bad people some way. Trust me, I know how it feels to be rejected, I've been through eating disorders and crap but I came out of it alive and I'm only 15! Most of the things I've been through were the product of my own self-hatred and tendency to blame things upon myself, I used to have a little baby fat and starved to point where I lost all of it and then some (I could see my ribs as I stretched lightly)... I think your best approach is to find people who can instil you with confidence and you'll find the perfect person out there for you from those specific people. He emailed me this summer just to ask me how I was doing, I was still dabbling on restricting calories and even beginning to cause self-harm on my legs then suddenly we're on the topic of it and he begins coaching me to making me feel pretty again. We both had no one really see the deeper spectrum behind our erratic outside personalities, so as I talked to him (purely written, I haven't heard his voice in two months) I found out we were more alike than we ever thought, our siblings both had special needs and we were secretly lonely and very self-conscience. Of course, I seemed like the type who was more put together than he was, a tomboy who had a fashion schtick, heavily obsessed with perfectionism in everything (schoolwork, looks, etc... People thought I mirrored Michael Jackson) whilst he is the more 'flower-child' type, a little more calm, and less fashionable. We were always friends at school but never as close as the emails were. Suddenly we got on the topic of love, coming up with philosophies on its meaning, then he asked me if I ever cared for someone. I believed he always liked someone else, so I got mad at him for asking me (again I was testing people's motivations) and disciplined him online, he apologized and felt bad for putting me in the corner. I wrote to him in a different language (so he could translate it) and told him I've had feelings for him all that time and that I was sorry I got mad at him. Now we're kindred spirits, talking and talking online and he makes me feel so happy. Almost never have I gotten guys say things about me in terms of beauty, which lead me to starving and almost purging, and I'm not saying what J. said reaffirmed to me I was beautiful but I don't feel objectified to be "standard" beauty anymore. He appreciates me for my knowledge, my insight, and all of that is so important to me. Now I look in the mirror and I am celebrating the person inside and I'm starting to kind of like the person outside too. More importantly I feel like I'm making him grow as person with my advice (because as you can tell by now, I love giving advice) and I always proud of myself when I can do that.
I wish you great luck in finding that special someone, he or she will make you feel like this for sure!