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Submitted on
July 9, 2012
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307 bytes
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8,670 (1 today)
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990 (who?)
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210
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Let us talk for a little while
And let me make you smile
Let me take you out every night
And you will be the best sight
   Nothing can compare
Because I love you I swear
A love poem for the girl i dont have

picture taken right here [link]
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:iconreddawn24:
Reddawn24 Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
 awwwwh :heart: I love this! you did a great job :)
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:icon0l50nj4:
0L50NJ4 Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
God I NEED this.
:-(! :-)
*tear!*
:-(!
Reply
:iconloveisacrossedroad:
LoveIsACrossedRoad Sep 15, 2012  Student Writer
Beautiful....
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:iconxenyabromsson:
XenyaBromsson Aug 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i have a friend who is an amazing realist artist, and she drew a piece that looks almost just like this, like the poem too:)
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:iconthe-warden-rose:
The-Warden-Rose Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's a nice poem alil cutesy but sweet all the same
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:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
errr first of all that's not a concrete poem lol.

[link]

second of all, it's extremely cliche, and the rhyming sounds forced. (especially the lines:
Let me take you out every night
And you will be the best sight

and

Nothing can compare
Because I love you I swear)

(the first two lines don't sound that forced, but they still kind of are)

secondly, the style you wrote the poem in. that style was used by every single person who had an english assignment. you should try finding your own voice. a voice that wasn't worn by every person. (pardon my language, but that's like wearing a used condom) it just won't work.

thirdly, your poem does not show, it tells. i can read that poem and have a totally blank face. explain: what is love? what is making someone smile? what is a best sight?

the thing that makes me dislike this poem is how worn out the subject matter and style are. the sentence structure is boring, and it brings nothing new to the table. it's like, a clone of every other cliche, teenage love poem ever.

what i'm trying to say is: throw away that used condom, and find YOUR voice. find YOUR style. don't only write about what everyone already knows. describe it as something new. (hell, i wrote a poem about a splinter!) write about a button, write about a page of a book, and sure, write about love if you like, but don't make it so "been there done that." and finally: DO NOT FORCE RHYME! (try writing free verse, then, you can play around with structures and sentences and not have to rhyme dog and log) i hope i don't come off as too harsh, but you know some people just need that push. :) good luck, man!
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:iconnoxilcashxv:
NoxilcashXV Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
ok so you know what makes a good poem, congratulations. But he still got 1027 likes and showed up on the front page. I know you are trying to help him become a better writer, but I doubt OVER half of the people care about the structure or the forcing of rhyme. He made a short sweet love poem that rhymed and people just eat that up, no matter how cliche or over done it is. Just sayin.
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:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ok, but if he is going to take poetry seriously he should at least consider what i said. also how many favorites he got doesn't make the poem any better. just because a ton of people like nicki minaj doesn't make her beethoven. (obviously she's not trying to be, but that doesn't make her music any better)

one could write this type of thing in thirty seconds, and not all of it gets this much attention. (there are like millions of these types of poems on dA) it's not because of how "amazing" the poem is, it's just luck, and the fact that he posted it in every literature group that ever existed.

if of course, he is only doing this for the favorites, then well, that just disgraces the name of poetry.

also just so that i don't get mixed up i need to ask you: do you view as my criticism as invalid? because that is the vibe your reply gave.
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:icongothgirl1212:
gothgirl1212 Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I view your criticism as invalid. You should mind your own damn business. All art is a way to express yourself. Maybe this person can't tell the difference between concrete poetry and free verse, so what? No one cares about that, it a good poem, end of story. And that condom reference is just sick and gross. I say inappropriate things all the time and that made me sick.

And my poems probably sound like a lot of other teen poems, it doesn't make them less original.
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