second of all, it's extremely cliche, and the rhyming sounds forced. (especially the lines: Let me take you out every night And you will be the best sight
Nothing can compare Because I love you I swear)
(the first two lines don't sound that forced, but they still kind of are)
secondly, the style you wrote the poem in. that style was used by every single person who had an english assignment. you should try finding your own voice. a voice that wasn't worn by every person. (pardon my language, but that's like wearing a used condom) it just won't work.
thirdly, your poem does not show, it tells. i can read that poem and have a totally blank face. explain: what is love? what is making someone smile? what is a best sight?
the thing that makes me dislike this poem is how worn out the subject matter and style are. the sentence structure is boring, and it brings nothing new to the table. it's like, a clone of every other cliche, teenage love poem ever.
what i'm trying to say is: throw away that used condom, and find YOUR voice. find YOUR style. don't only write about what everyone already knows. describe it as something new. (hell, i wrote a poem about a splinter!) write about a button, write about a page of a book, and sure, write about love if you like, but don't make it so "been there done that." and finally: DO NOT FORCE RHYME! (try writing free verse, then, you can play around with structures and sentences and not have to rhyme dog and log) i hope i don't come off as too harsh, but you know some people just need that push. good luck, man!
Hey, sorry I am just replying to you but I was not really sure how to reply at the time. I was very new to poetry so forgive my error. I stupidly thought that a concrete poem was one that had a concrete style through the whole poem. This poem was a bit lame but I really had no idea that it would blow up as much as it did. I have other poems and they are thoughtful and meaningful to me. I never really posted much after all of this because I felt like no one really like the thoughtful stuff because everyone was loving the Hallmark card poems. I did write them and I did mean them but they were just fun poems when I had time to kill. I never really wanted to get this much attention because I knew my stuff was not that great or even good. I got a lot of crap about my little poems. I did take your advise maybe not right way but I did.
ok so you know what makes a good poem, congratulations. But he still got 1027 likes and showed up on the front page. I know you are trying to help him become a better writer, but I doubt OVER half of the people care about the structure or the forcing of rhyme. He made a short sweet love poem that rhymed and people just eat that up, no matter how cliche or over done it is. Just sayin.
ok, but if he is going to take poetry seriously he should at least consider what i said. also how many favorites he got doesn't make the poem any better. just because a ton of people like nicki minaj doesn't make her beethoven. (obviously she's not trying to be, but that doesn't make her music any better)
one could write this type of thing in thirty seconds, and not all of it gets this much attention. (there are like millions of these types of poems on dA) it's not because of how "amazing" the poem is, it's just luck, and the fact that he posted it in every literature group that ever existed.
if of course, he is only doing this for the favorites, then well, that just disgraces the name of poetry.
also just so that i don't get mixed up i need to ask you: do you view as my criticism as invalid? because that is the vibe your reply gave.